Tips for handling the holidays when grieving.

Honestly, I think there's no other time of year that is more triggering or upsetting than the holidays when you're walking through grief. But we don't have to just let the holidays happen to us. We can be proactive and take some steps to navigate through this season without hitting landmines.

That is the first and best thing to do is to help you to come up with a plan. One of the toughest things about grief is that it hits you at unplanned and unexpected times and having to react and respond when it hits you can be overwhelming. So one of the best things that we can do is prepare in advance that we can have a plan A, B, and C in place so that if grief shows up, and chances are, especially if this is your first holiday season after experiencing loss, grief is going to show up. So let's identify some of the things that we can do to make a difference.

The first thing is just identifying what are you hoping to get out of this holiday season? If this is the first or second set of holidays you're walking through after losing someone you love, you may just need some time alone to feel the loss. Honestly, you may just need to grieve the loss of your loved one and recognize that holidays aren't going to be the same. Give yourself room and freedom to do that, but don’t isolate. Feeling the loss can quickly become very heavy and you want to make sure to stay connected to loved ones during this difficult time. Many people find it helpful to take a break from holiday traditions for a year or two after experiencing a significant loss. Take a vacation, check out a movie, order chinese food, do something out of the ordinary. For me, it was going to the beach and getting ice cream that offered comfort this past year.

I want you to spend some time to think about what is it that you want this holiday season? Are you wanting time to just reflect and heal? Are you wanting to start some new traditions? Or are you wanting to get out there and be surrounded by people who just love you and want to encourage and support you. Take some time to intentionally decide what it would look like if you could have the perfect holiday season? Thinking about it ahead of time is going to help you to know what to say yes to, and what to say no to, and to not feel bad about it, because you're going to have your intention set on what you're hoping to accomplish this holiday season.

Tip number two, is to be careful of landmines. What are the landmines? You know those certain events, places, or people that are not going to be helpful or fruitful for you. If there is an invitation to something that you don't think would be a great fit for you, by all means graciously declined and don't lose any sleep over it.

Next we need to take a look at family members. You know, when you lose a loved one, people grieve differently, and some people carry around their grief very verbally and throw it up on any person around them. While that might be necessary for their grieving process, it may not be helpful for yours, so you need to minimize your exposure to them if at all possible. Your priority needs to be on taking care of you and putting your own oxygen mask on before you can be a support for other people.

Also, don't spread yourself too thin. Recognize that when you're walking through grief, there is an emotional and physical toll that it takes on your mind and body. In years prior, you may have been able to run from party to party, but you need to absolutely factor in some downtime for your heart,mind, and body to get the rest that it needs. Room to process the fact that you're walking through this holiday season with something missing.

So what do you do if you do hit a landmine and grief really becomes overwhelming in the moment? I really want to encourage you to have a best friend backup plan. What’s the best friend backup plan? Remember the days of blind dates and you always had that one friend you could call if the date was a train wreck to come rescue you or help you come up with an excuse to leave? That’s what we’re talking about. Find that friend. Recruit them ahead of time. Maybe they are even someone who is attending an event with you. Establish a signal that if things are getting too difficult, your friend can come to the rescue and get you out of there. It’s a lifesaver, trust me. I remember the first set of holidays after my mom died, me and my kids established the signal of pulling on our ear if we needed someone to come rescue us out of a conversation or if we just needed a moment to be alone.

Now for my last tip……and this is so important; remember that this season is only a season. Nothing is forever, nothing's permanent. This grief season that you're walking through is a season in and of itself. But even the holiday season is just a season within the season. So it might be hard, it might be painful. It may trigger a lot of memories and stir up a lot of emotions for you but just remember that it's just a season. Before you know it New Year's will be here and we'll all be talking about resolutions and marching into the next year. So just keep that in mind. It's not going to last forever. It's just a season.

Much Love,
Kelli