Are traditions keeping you stuck?

Are your traditions keeping you stuck?

I love traditions.

Well most of them anyways. 

Like in my household growing up, we would have "forced family fun" as my mom would call it.  "Forced family fun" usually meant we were all mandated to the kitchen table for card games, or trivia pursuit, or whatever other game she wanted to torture us with.  We would whine and complain, but really I think we all secretly enjoyed it and were thankful that she "forced" this family fun on us.  Looking back, those nights contain some of my most cherished childhood memories. 

We also had a holiday tradition of making and decorating sugar cookies each year.  My mom would bake a mountain of sugar cookies and then all us kids would decorate them with icing and every kind of candy covering you can imagine.  This tradition carried on even as we got older and had kids of our own.  Early December, like clockwork, my mom would bake ice cream buckets full of sugar cookies for her kids and grandkids to decorate. After she passed it took us a couple of years to continue the tradition and I am proud to report that last year I took up the torch and made a molehill(working my way up to a mountain) worth of sugar cookies for my family to decorate.  I know my mom is tickled pink knowing that her non-baking daughter has taken up the sugar cookie making tradition. Sugar cookies are actually pretty tricky to get just right and very time consuming...I have a whole new level of appreciation for my mom knowing the time and effort she put into making all those cookies each year. 

Traditions can be like that.  They can be comforting, and keep you connected to the ones you've lost.  They can be the thread that helps to hold families together and keep the spirit and memories of our loved ones close to our heart. 

But what happens when our traditions are not helpful? 

More specifically, what are our traditions around grief and grieving? Did your family talk about grief and loss or just get quiet and stuff things emotionally?  Perhaps your culture has some traditions around grief and loss that actually make it wrong or not okay to move forward. 

That's what happend with a client of mine recently.  She comes from a background where family members are called to grieve for a year after their loved one has passed away.  They are supposed to wear black and not listen to upbeat music or experience joy or laughter during that year.  Not only that, but crying and expressions of emotion are looked down upon.  You are supposed to be sad and strong and that's about it.  Sounds like a recipe to stay stuck in grief to me.  Now I'm not here telling you to abandon your cultural traditions or completely reject what you were taught growing up.....unless that's what you need to do.  The point is, this is YOUR journey and YOU alone will walk it out.  So it is up to you to decide which traditions are helping you and which are harming you.   

That is what we help people do in Step 1 of our Grief Relief Program.  It's all about you deciding what do you believe, what do you want, and who is your example.  I am not here to tell you what to believe, or decide for you what you want, I am just here to encourage you to ask the questions and get honest with yourself about the answers, your future depends on it. 

Overcoming grief isn't instant and it isn't easy, but it is possible and it is worth it.  

Here's a hats off to those who are in the process of redefining their traditions and fighting for a brighter future.  The work you are doing today is not only going to pay off in your life, but it will lay the groundwork for future generations.  Perhaps your great grandchildren will find themselves better equipped to deal with grief and loss because of the example you are setting. I know this is hard work, but keep at it anyway.  

Until next time.....

Much Love,
Kelli