Not all losses are losses....

You might be reading this thinking....What? Are you out of your mind? How dare you say that the loss of my son/daughter/husband/wife/mother is not a loss! If you've managed to keep reading please hear me out. While obviously the loss of a loved one is a devastating loss, not everything about the loss is a loss.

Does that make sense? Let me explain.

For example, my son Quintin struggled with addiction for 7 years before he passed away. While I miss him terribly and would love for him to still be here with us, I don't miss the sleepless nights and the chaotic havok that his addiction created in our lives while he was alive.

I was reminded of how stressful it was the other week when I had a nightmare about him and his drug use. It was a scene I was all too familiar with.....him asking to stay in my house only to violate my boundaries and then lie to my face about doing it. In the dream I had to confront his behavior and ask him to leave, something I had to do in real life on more than one occasion. I woke up being reminded of the stress and anxiety that I dealt with on a regular basis while he was alive. Certainly there were ups and downs to his addiction but we were all living in a bit of a crisis mode for a long time.

It was exhausting.

Now that he's gone I've had to deal with a different mental struggle, grief and recovery. Part of my grief recovery is remembering things as they were, not just the good times. Being real about the things that I don't miss as well as the things that I do miss. When you're a parent or a loved one of an addict there is a continual fear of your loved one dying. When they do pass away you're no longer waiting for the shoe to drop. You move from a place of anxiety or anticipation of what might happen to the weighty place of dealing with the reality of what has happened.

Whether the person you lost struggled with addiction, or mental health issues, or a long term illness, there is probably part of the process for you that was completely draining and difficult to deal with. Recognize that while you are now tasked with figuring out how to grieve effectively, you are no longer in the waiting for the bad thing to happen camp. The bad thing has happened, and you are still standing(or close to it).

My encouragement this week is to remember and reflect about the parts of the person/relationship that you miss as well as the parts that you don't miss. Holding someone's memory through rose colored glasses just keeps you longing for a past that never existed and keeps you from moving forward.

Rooting you on every step of the way!

Much Love,

Kelli