How to celebrate anniversaries you'd rather forget.....

Today is an anniversary of sorts….it’s the first of many anniversaries that I would rather not celebrate. Today is the 1 year anniversary of when my son took up his permanent heavenly residence. I didn’t know what to expect today, or what to plan or not plan, as it relates to activities. If I’ve learned anything about grief these past couple of years is that it is incredibly difficult to plan or predict. Days that I thought would be really hard ended up being not so bad, and days that I thought I would fly right through hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s OK in the end because learning to live with this new level of emotional unpredictability has taught me to hold everything loosely…..plans, goals, expectations, all of it. So now I move a little more nimbly, I let go a little more easily, I give myself more patience and more grace than ever before and that’s a good thing.

So this morning when I woke up to face the day I had every intention of making the most of it. Plans to be bold and courageous, confident and strong; and instead sorrow came to pay me a visit and we sat together on the couch for a good part of the morning. I sat with a physical ache in my heart remembering all the details from one year ago. I sat and felt the heaviness that didn’t produce tears, just heaviness. I read through so many kind words and lovely comments from friends and family who were sending prayers and love my way, thankful for each one. While I was so appreciative of all the kind words, not one of them lifted the heaviness. So, after sitting with it for awhile, I determined that my day would not get consumed by it. I grabbed my daughter and we went to grab a bite to eat. During our meal we decided the best way to turn this day around was to head to the mall to do a little retail therapy. Partly because we are girls who love to shop, but also because it was one of Quintin’s favorite things to do. We spent the afternoon strolling the mall and picking out things we thought Quintin would like and headed back home. A new shirt from the mall doesn’t take away the pain of loss BUT it does send a message that we did not die a year ago. We are still here and we will continue to be here and put our best foot forward today and everyday until it is our time to go. I pray that if you are facing hardship or loss, you will be kind to yourself and do whatever it takes to set your heart and mind to continue to put one foot in front of the other until you find your way again. Chances are you won’t your way back to the path you were on before the loss, but perhaps you will find a new path or a new appreciation for the existing path…..maybe your path will take you to the mall, or the White House, or a family vacation, or a new career, wherever it takes you cherish it and make it your own!

Much Love,
Kelli