How to practice self care during grief-a look at boundaries.

Boundaries are so important in life in general, but especially when you're walking through grief. There are two sets of boundaries you really need to be mindful of when grieving. First, you need to have boundaries with yourself, and secondly, boundaries with others.

First of all, you need to have boundaries with yourself. While you can't control what's happened to you, you can control how you move through it and how you move forward. So put some boundaries around how you spend your time. I can't encourage you enough to put a structure around your time, as much as you can. Try to wake up at the same time every day, try to have some structured activities and plans, even if you're if you're not back to work yet. Give yourself chunks of time for connecting with friends or family, alone time, and physical exercise.

You also want to put boundaries around how much time you think about the person that you've lost and sit with the sadness. Absolutely grief is a process and part of it involves experiencing the loss, feeling the hurt and pain that goes along with losing someone you love. But you want to be really careful not to just live in that place which can be a downward spiral that is really tough to get out of. I like the idea to put some time frame boundaries around, looking at pictures, or just really thinking about the person that you've lost, give you yourself a 10-15 minute window to sit with those things, and then go for a walk, call a friend do something else to take your mind off of it. You absolutely can be in control of how you spend your time and how you direct your thinking. That is one of the skill sets that if you didn't have before this situation, it's one of the gifts that you may come out with on the other side. So I really want to encourage you to take responsibility in controlling how you spend your time and where you let your thinking go.

You also want to give yourself some boundaries around who and what you're going to be around. Remember that not everybody is walking through grief like you are. People may say, or do, insensitive things. People also may be grieving the loss in their own way, and according to their own schedule. Be mindful and aware of the people that are helpful to you, and the people that are not so helpful to you. You absolutely have the right and the responsibility to safeguard your time and your heart. If you find that there's that one one person who's always calling you and wanting to cry her eyes out with you, maybe don't pick up the phone.

Can I just give you permission that you actually don't have to answer everyone else's call? You don't have to go to every event you're invited to and you don't have to say yes to everything. This is the time when you need to take care of yourself first. I want you to be intentional about the things that you say yes to and feel completely entitled to say no to things. Learn how to say no to things in order to heal and recover and move forward in a meaningful way. You know, there's a reason on the airplane that they always talk about putting your oxygen mask on first before helping others with their oxygen mask, and this is absolutely no exception to that rule, you need to do what's best for you. First, you need to be in tune with what you need and where you're at with your grieving process. And then you can help other people with their journey or their grieving process. You have permission to say no to social events and gatherings. If you're not up to it, you're not up to it. The other side of that coin though, is to not isolate for too long. What you're going through is pretty significant, and while other people may not completely understand it, you don't want to attempt to deal with this on your own. A good rule of thumb is to make sure at least once a day, every day, you're either visiting with, or talking to, someone that you know and trust and can be a support for you. These are just some of the boundaries that will help you to heal and recover.

Remember, while you didn't control what happened to you, taking control of the boundaries that you have with yourself and with others is an important key to regaining control. After this chaotic thing happened in your life, regaining control means you're well on the way to recovering and getting back to living.

Onward in Love,

Kelli